Okay, okay, before I get a dui for writing this (even though I’m not currently drunk or texting on my phone while making a left turn #thismayormaynotbetrue), I just wanna mention that you will only understand where I’m coming from if you know me. Granted you may not know me in person or personally, but you should know a few things about me before proceeding: 1. I am a good citizen/student- I’ve never broken the law. I don’t even speed ever./I’ve never gotten a detention
2. I’m a kind loving person and see the positive in almost everything
3. I’m not actually an alcoholic. I just make jokes about it.
By the way, if you are a cop or a child…please stop reading this immediately.
Now that that’s all out of the way… here it is. I do LOVE alcohol. Even though I claim to be a cool spiritual hippie-type…I’m FULL of anxiety. I used to be anxious about everything all the time. After some personal growth, my anxiety exists in specific moments…in times where there is a possibility of being rejected….at an audition OR (more importantly) when I’m in the presense of a hot man.
Yes, I have poured beer into my opaque water bottle and sipped it while waiting to audition for a CW pilot, and while you may be judging me right now…It was the best audition of my life. WHY? Because alcohol is fucking amazing. I walked into the room, threw away my sides because “i knew it” and I was present, alive, available, fearless. Thanks to my IPA. Yes, INDIA pale ale is my beer of choice (you know why).
I’m just gonna say it. Hot guys make me nervous. Just their presence. I don’t know why. If I knew why, maybe I can prevent it from happening. It’s not because I hate myself or lack confidence (one of those is a lie)…it’s simply because… hot guys are hot. And when they enter a room, my throat gets dry, I begin to sweat, I typically trip on the nearest piece of carpet, and then I forget how to speak. When I’m sober, I do many things to try to overcome these symptoms. I will either avoid them completely or try to say something funny (which ALWAYS fails).
What I hate most is now that I’m doing this whole online dating bullshit (yes I’m on okcupid, match, tinder, howaboutwe, blah, blah…) is when guys want to meet for coffee. I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOU FOR COFFEE! By the way, if I read one more profile about how much you love to travel, I’m gonna shoot myself. Going back to coffee…no. I’d much rather meet you for a drink. And don’t worry, I won’t judge you after one meeting (unless you are 4’11’’), I’m completely awkward at least the first five times I meet someone.
I don’t need 10 drinks. I’m 105 pounds. One or two is enough to make me happy and free. I’ll still be a little awkward…but I promise you I’ll be more of myself. And that is why I LOVE alcohol. It’s the solution to my problems.